These nine tips can help your family be happier and healthier.
Living in peace with others requires a complicated chemistry of everything intangibly good—commitment, cooperation, understanding, concern, love, and respect—which may come easy when everyone's happy. But when your child comes in after curfew, your spouse always leaves damp towels on the bed, or the dog gets sick on the rug, it's hard to consistently practice these virtues. Throw in an extramarital affair, job loss, or legal trouble, and well, you get the picture.
Scott Haltzman, M.D. coauthored the new book, The Secrets of Happy Families, with Theresa Foy Digeronimo. Dr. Haltzman is a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry and human behavior at Brown University's Warren Alpert Medical School. As the medical director of NRI Community Services in Rhode Island, Dr. Haltzman helps all types of families to get along—couples, single parents, same-sex partners, and those blending families from previous relationships and/or other cultures.
Here's what he recommends for creating a happy family:
1. Sit down as a family and establish a set of basic values.
Why it's important: "Families who keep a clear view of what matters and live consistently by those values grow stronger over time," says Dr. Haltzman.
Putting it into practice: Values may include practicing a religion, being honest, green living, learning, and being financially wise. Let's say you take your 13-year-old to a theme park where the entrance fee is lower for kids under 12. Your child suggests that you say he's 12 and pay the lower fee. After all, one of your values is to be financially wise. However, you can explain that while being financially wise is important, being honest is even more important. So you stick to the truth, even if it means paying more.
2. Commit to your partner if you live and have children together, and make an effort to stay together in a healthy relationship.
Why it's important: Studies show that most children do better when their parents stay together. On the whole, children of divorce (who were in non-toxic families) do fine, but divorce places some children at higher risk for behavioral issues. However, children who were in toxic families before a divorce have the same risk of experiencing difficulties when parents divorce as when parents stay together. Dr. Haltzman defines an unhealthy relationship as a "toxic" experience when the couple and family have significant problems functioning due to abuse, emotional trauma, alcoholism, drug abuse, or other issues. (If you are experiencing any of these difficulties, please see tip number 7.)
Putting it into practice: Staying in a relationship requires hard work. Understand that you won't always be as excited about each other as when you first fell in love, but through commitment and communication, you can develop a deeper, more meaningful bond in time.
3. Create a support system involving friends, family members, and community.
Why it's important: Many people live away from grandparents and other extended family members. We need positive people in our lives to thrive, and this is especially important for children and those who are divorced.
Putting it into practice: Give and receive help from others. This may involve getting or providing baby-sitting so you or someone else can take a break. Volunteer, join a social group, and arrange time with friends.
4. Be a good parent by teaching and learning from your children.
Why it's important: While they're a great joy, children can also "add tension, stress, and upset to the family dynamic," says Dr. Haltzman. "Parents in happy families are able to stay happy after the kids are born because they know about the phenomenon, expect the disruption, and learn how to deal with it."
Putting it into practice: Be patient, and learn what to expect and do at every stage of development. Discuss and agree on parenting styles with the other parent so that your actions will be as consistent as possible. If you are divorced, be respectful and kind to your ex-spouse, and stay united in parenting.
5. Understand and engage in the blending process.
Why it's important: While it takes time and effort, blended families who stick together can form a fully integrated new family.
Putting it into practice: Blended families grow through stages of hopefulness, confusion, and perhaps crisis, before reaching stability and commitment. Learn what to expect and do during these stages by reading and attending parenting and marriage classes.
6. Handle conflict constructively by focusing on issues, not people.
Why it's important: "There are rules for conflict, and a lot of people don't even know how to bring up something," says Dr. Haltzman. "People often feel that their character is being encroached on when somebody else accuses them."
Putting it into practice: Listen, and be respectful and fair. Instead of saying, "You are so lazy. You never take out the trash," say: "The trash can is full. Could you please take it out?"
7. Work through crises.
Why it's important: Every family goes through difficult times—serious illness, the loss of a loved one, financial trouble, substance abuse, divorce, and more. By practicing what Dr. Haltzman calls "active coping," you can work through the problem and strive to realize the best possible outcome.
Putting it into practice: "First, gather information about what's going on. Then, get the resources, knowledge, and/or skills to handle the problem," he says. This may involve contacting Alcoholics Anonymous, joining a bereavement support group, reading up on heart disease, or getting marital counseling. Then work through the problem. "When people take a proactive approach to solving problems, they end up feeling less like a victim," says Dr. Haltzman. "Even if things don't go the way they want, they don't feel as helpless."
8. Take the time to care for yourself.
Why it's important: The healthier you are, both emotionally and physically, the more supportive you can be toward your family members.
Putting it into practice: Make the time for your own hobbies and interests. Eat right and get enough exercise. If you're facing emotional trauma, substance abuse, or another crisis, reach out for help. (See tip 7 on working through crises.)
9. Spend quality time together.
Why it's important: "When people slow down their pace, they improve their physical, mental, and emotional health, which has a direct effect on happiness," says Dr. Haltzman.
Putting it into practice: Spending time together can include playing a board game, going for a bike ride, or taking a hike. "A lot of parents are spending their time racing around, dropping kids off at various activities," says Dr. Haltzman. "That's not quality time; that's being a taxi." He adds that this is one of the reasons families miss having meals together, which is really important.
